Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think your dad took our porno
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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