I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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