You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Houston, we have a blender
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
