Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
