Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
