Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
