It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
This can only be settled by a dance off.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
