my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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