Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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