brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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