i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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