You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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