you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
