non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
