I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
