Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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