The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
