***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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