She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize