I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
