i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
