you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
