he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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