She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dignity is for republicans.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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