but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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