I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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