Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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