There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
