Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
