It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize