I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
