i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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