just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My feet surprised me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I did not marry a roomba.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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