Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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