On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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