New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
