I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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