The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
