I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We left the knife in your bed.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Still dying that you shit outside
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
