the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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