Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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