Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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