about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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