Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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