Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
