Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
