I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
