I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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