Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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