We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
