you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
