I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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