It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
