At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
