mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
