She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
