I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
